Story Snippet from the game "Ala" Critiques Needed

Hello,

My name is James Williams and I am the Lead Designer for Titan Games and I would like to share a very small snippet from our upcoming title "Ala" (Demon). Ala is a survival horror/FPS game that is heavily story driven and plays on the psych of the player. The game is about a marine who's squadron is shipped out to quarantine a country after a massive outbreak. Shortly after arriving they find that most of the island is dead or infected. To make matters worst, a neighboring military group is already on the island preforming a quarantine of their own. An already tense situation has now become a power struggle and much more once a grave of dead children is discovered at the bottom of a lagoon. Tension reaches its peak as each group blames the other, but everything changes once the player gets separated from his squad in an ambush by an unseen group. He is now being hunted by the unknown and becomes haunted by the islands murdered children as he tries to unlock the truth.

Snippet:

Dashing through the maze of tunnels I suddenly found myself out of breath and suddenly freezing. It was as if the air around me had been sucked away. Deep breathes quickly turned into gasp and everything around me became blurry. No longer able to stand I fell to my knees. I could hear the laughter of children coming from all directions. Who’s there? I yelled out to the voices. The laughter only seemed to only get closer. In the distance the sound of footsteps in the water echoed from behind me. I quickly turned and raised my rifle. Off in the distance I could see a small figure standing in the water. Hello, I shouted. The figure backed further away into the darkness followed by unnerving laughter. I gathered myself and cautiously advanced toward the darkness. It was nearly impossible to see and my flash light was useless from water damage. The flickering from it gave only a short glimpse of what was ahead. “Hello”, I yelled again. The spine tingling laughter was replaced with the sound of ripping flesh and screams. I banged my rifle on the wall in an attempt to get the light to work. After a few bumps it flashed on revealing what had to be the most terrifying thing I had ever witnessed. It was the second guard. His body was being feasted on by a swarm of children. At the sight of the light they turned to me and one gave off a blood curdling scream. Rather it was fear or instinct, I began firing blindly into the crowd. They instantly scattered in all directions, scampering along the walls and ceiling. The chase was on as I staggered backward firing at everything that wasn’t nailed down. They easily evaded my fire and seemed to become even more hostile. Suddenly, as fast as the pursuit began it ended. They suddenly stopped and retreated back into the darkness which seemed to swallow the tunnel as they vanished. Everything was now silent and still. Exhausted, I dropped my head and closed my eyes in relief. When I opened them a hand exploded from the water and pulled me in face first. I fought frantically to reach the surface but it was if the surface was a mile away. I could feel my eyes beginning to bulge and I began to black out. As everything around me turned to black I was sure this would be my watery grave.

I awoke in a small dark room strapped to a chair and stripped of my uniform and weapons. The room smelled of rotting flesh and was filled with torture devices. The only source light came from a boarded window from the far side of the room. I could hear voices coming from another room and the door suddenly opened. A masked man appeared and began to gather tools on a table beside me. His cloths were stained in blood and smelled of alcohol. I tried to escape the constraints but my body seemed weakened. I could hear him humming as he maneuvered the space around me. Ah, you’re a squirmy one I see, he said. Well, let’s get those clothes off to see what I got myself here said the masked man. He then reached into his lab coat and retrieved a small bottle of whiskey. He then took a drink and poured the rest over my face. Once the last drop was out he smacked me in the face with the bottle, shattering it effortlessly. Already weakened I could now barely lift my head. As blood seeped into my eyes I tried to scan the room to locate him. I could see him grab a syringe. See, this? This is what is all about he said followed by a dry laugh. He then grabbed my arm and injected the needle into it. My eyes got heavy as I began to lose consciousness almost instantly. Once my head was too heavy to hold and my eyes could no longer follow, I could feel his fingers run across my lips and to my chest. He then aggressively ripped my shirt open as I lay there helplessly. Now staring at a pool of my own blood that had collected on the floor, I saw my reflection. My heart stopped and a chill went through my body as the reflection was that of small girl. That’s when I blacked out. I suddenly awoke face down in the water. I jumped up gasping for air and feeling my face. I was back in the sewer……


Concept Artist Help Wanted Page coming soon....titanart@live.com

 

I don't think anything is "crossing the line" as long as its done in good taste and with purpose. Don't go around murdering babies in your game just for shock value; that's juvenile. However, if your story calls for it, there's no reason you should censor yourself.

If, however, you're aiming for a specific demographic, you'll have to decide what crosses the line with them. If you want to appeal to teens, then your game should have "teen-friendly" content. Complaining later that they "just don't get it" won't work.

So use common sense, but in the end, tell the story you want to tell.

 

To be honest, in games, there really isn't a line anymore. So long as you clearly indicate your game has the content you include, there's really no change of you getting in too many hassles. Of course, if it's extreme, then publishers may refuse to accept it, but other than backlash you might get from conservative groups there really isn't anything to be worried about.

Like I said, our society has reached a point where, like it or not, there isn't a line anymore.

 

Thanks for the replies. I guess my concern is that the game focuses in on child murder, rape, religion and demonic elements. Its all bundled into a survival horror shooter but its a dark story. I actually had people ask me if i was okay after reading just this light part. I understand that conservatives may grip but i also know we are indie and publicity is good either way. So what did you guys get from the story? I need to know that my message went across as intended.

 

Doesn't go any further than a lot of horror movies do these days - at least from the snippet.

Killing zombie/cannibal children is fair game, killing a wee girl and her teddy bear for fun is maybe a bit brutal and likely to attract negative comments/press. So I'd say you're safe here.

Can only echo the "line doesn't exist" posts above though.

 

I wouldn't buy it but then I have stopped watching television, most reading, and other things because of the shock of modern 'entertainment'. Then again if you look at my posts I would be considered a 'prude' because I fail to see what is entertaining about being accosted by Zombie, Ghoul, War, and such imagery and discussions even when I avoid buying new games, watching television, and most internet sites. That said I still like The Cranberries Zombie but let's see that's going on 20 years now.

If you aren't expecting any sales and trying to effect cultural changes with the shock value of such a game (meaning stopping such behavior before it happens) with negative publicity then good luck. And it's politically very dangerous to associate this with any particular 'non-western' culture.

 

What I would caution you against is being edgy for its own sake. A lot of games today dial stuff up to 11 simply because they can, which isn't a good reason. Many games try to make themselves stand out from the crowd by going grittier and darker than the others, to the point now where I think doing the opposite might actually be more shocking than pushing the boundaries--because, as many in this thread have pointed out already, the lines don't really exist anymore.

 

There isn't a 'nothing' option...

 

Well, no one will publish your game. People saying if it is good with your story then do it are plain wrong, I doubt any company will publish it or if they do it will be taken down a day or so later.

 

If you're looking for a critique of the actual writing, there are a number of spelling and grammar errors, and the writing is bland and makes heavy use of clichés. It would need a lot of work to be professional.

--Eric

 

That's where you're plain wrong. Just slap an M or A ESRB or Pegi 18 rating, and you're golden. If it isn't done in an unnecessary manner, why shouldn't there be any boundaries that are close to being crossed (not crossed because they're not done in a distasteful manner). I hate to break it to you, buddy, but publishers only care about money. If the game has more adult themes, they can label it as such, as to not disturb their image, and sell it. Why would a publisher not take it if it's a good game that will make money? Because of a few mature scenes?

 

I actually do plan on using a professional writer once it is done. Then changes can be made and proper flow can be added. This is a rough version using stream of conscious writing. Its not formal or always pretty.

 

I was looking for opinions on the action taking place?

 

As I said, being "shocking" for the sake of being shocking is pointless. First, being frightening is very difficult to pull off in writing. You also have to realize that, while you may be proud of what you've written here, it means nothing once its converted into a graphical medium. It will just be another person covered in poorly rendered blood.

If you want to create a great horror survival game, you'll need something more original. Going just on what you've shown, I don't see this selling very well. People enjoy horror when there's an interesting or suspenseful element to it. If its just another "demon kills people" gore-fest, then it just comes off as immature.

 

You mistake what maturity means then.

 

If you want an open audience? all of the poll options cross the line.

 

When little Jim Bobs mother refuses to buy EA games because he played a game about killing children then they will care. When a country takes the game off of the shelf because it insults their dominant religion the publisher will care. The government will take it off the shelves when rape victims and parents of murdered children begin complaining.

NO, none of the indie friendly publishers would even let it get to this point AFAIK Apple will not have any of that, and all others will take it down once complaints start pouring in.

You would be best off making a different game I can tell you that now.

 

The game is not just running around shooting zombie children.It is more t it than that, without giving away the entire story, its more about a person battling his own personal truths, the events taking place on the island and the psychological effects of being possessed. The rape aspect comes from the fact that some of the children were raped when their village was invaded during the war. Their bodies were dumped in the lagoon and the war criminals were never brought to justice. The people of the village eventually moved on with tier lives but years later the infection began, subsequently prompting a quarantine of the entire island.

The part in the snippet where he has his first hallucination hints to the rape. That is about as far as it goes, maybe just a little further. The game is more of a story than a shooter.

 

Honesty appreciated.

 

We have already been approached by a publisher recently purchased by EA for a mobile version on iOS. They are waiting on the final story draft. But taking into consideration what you said, I worry about being to over the top and being shunned. But then I look at games like Call of Duty with the airport scene and the one game Heavy Rain.

 

I doubt this very much.

Here is just a small piece of the iOS ToS.

Any legit publisher would know this. Also, no legit publisher would ever offer any kind of deal to a no-name indie based on a half story they found on the internet somewhere.

Sorry, but I'm callin shenanigans.

 

First:
If you think that your game is gonna be 100% lock stock and smoking barrels funded just because you've been contacted by a publisher, you are wrong.
You think some executive in EA saw your super awesome concept and called biz. department to give you the money, just because he likes it?
That's unluckily.

PR, HR, marketing and other biz. departments have to contact whatever you are, so they could show at the end of the week that they are doing something in the company and thus justifying their salaries.
It's a common practice. It goes like that :

"We contacted a number of potential companies we might to invest in but none are rock solid, but we are keep looking "
"We received a number of resumes from artists, programmers, musicians, etc , but we don't have any project at the moment or we don't need any, but we will keep adds on the sites that we are still looking for the talents, just in case S*** happens. "

Wonder why in your company of up to 40% working time goes to the meetings?

Second:
Publishers don't take games from the shelves if the games sell well, no way, never ever. No matter if you have some crazy Jesus Christ, molesting children, killing unicorns concept. Your government takes them down, and even government is forced to do so if the public complaints are great.
So unless you can change the public view somehow, your game with your crazy concepts won't be published.

 

Everything has an audience man, come on. This sounds good to me, like stated above, the line doesnt excists anymore. We have kids and zombiekids beeing killed everywhere in movies, why not games?

If Call of Duty can pretend they are russians killing civilinas in an airport wich is messed up beyond reasoning, u are golden,
Im not a superfan of "dark" stuff but i do enjoy them if they set the mood and make me have some sort ot emotional reasction while im playing, a few games has done this, mostly because their story is deep.

and Rape? Have u seen "I spit on your grave"? go for it, that movie drew alot of attention, seems most was positive.

Human society these days is used to, and can handle, almost anything. If it isnt games and movies, its real life terrorrists blowing up innocent people on the nesw everyday, some redneck going crazy in a mall with a shotgun or something simular. Sad to say, we're getting used to it.

Ur doing nothing wrong here, go for it. Im sure u'll have an audience that will enjoy this just as much as people enjoyed seeing little Limbo beeing impaled by a giant spider. Some say thats sick too.

 

Terrorism is world widely condemned by almost all countries in the world. Hence it's a safe subject to make your games about.
Regarding the movie industry :
"I spit in your grave" movie, I hate when people don't back up their words with some facts. Why do I have to google for you to find out that this movie was a complete rubbish, was banned in many countries, didn't make money . Was named the one of TIME's Top 10 Ridiculously Violent Movies.

As to the remake 2mil$ budget and 600k$ box office, negative reception, and only limited release in the United States, well that says it all about the success and people's view about violence. Apart some few twisted freaks who claim to be the voice of the people.

Also be careful. I always find a negative advice the most helpful. While cautious to take something like "yeah go for it!, why not!, it has never been done before!, sure! etc. Cause you know it is not their balls are at the stake.

 

Didnt say i wanna see terrorism in GAMES, even tho Call of Duty thought that would be very awesome to do.

Who said it was rubbish? Ur reading lists made by ppl who dont like it, why dont u go see the forums where people DO like it. This is always gonna be the case, even reviews for games made by nor IGN or Gamespot tells me anyting, its just one mans opinion. I thought that movie was sick, but refreshing, and i enjoyed the chick getting back at them by killing em off because they deserved it, the movie does what we think everyday we hear about it on the news. I cant count how many times ive heard about rape on the news, then someone behind me goes "they should just be killed, jail is too nice".

A game like this is interesting to ALOT of people who wants more than shooting zombies in the face. Players are like movieseers, some flock to action, some flock to drama.

About beeing careful, im sure the OP knows what to do and now to do if he really thinks about it, nothing i can do to push him or hold him back.

This is all personal opinions at the end of the day. i love horror movies, u might not, and i also like games that goes alittle deeper into things. Im fine with games doing what alot of movies do these days, shock players.

 

In my opinion Freedom of the Press and Freedom of Speech got twisted a long time ago because newspapers report crime and other horrific events and presto, the newspapers duty to report the news is turned into an excuse to create this type of 'entertainment' despite violating obscenity laws.

Willing to set the action in a non-western society and your definitions depend on differences on national law? Or is it a western society and you deem this type of simulated behavior suitable for entertainment purposes because, well, we're so advanced? How realistic will the graphics be? How much will you research the law books for the trial? Plan on listening to police scanner and read police blotters? Will you search for published 911 calls of hysterics to add that extra dose of realism? Will you use Unity's outstanding Pro water effects to get realistic looking tears on close-ups. Will you video the reactions of your test subjects to see if they 'feel the pain'. Or are you expecting 'Oh Wow! Look at those tears, so cool! They look real!'

Why not be really brave and daring and make a sexual pornography game rather than a violence pornography game? The game would even feature consenting adults, imagine that. Or is sexual pornography tacky, obscene, and crosses a line? Can't imagine how we all got here, can you?

I don't know the numbers but sexual pornography probably makes as much as the entire game industry.

Final thought: go browse on kdp.amazon self-published books with a ridiculous number of shock books by authors with some deep insight into the 'human condition' and see how much they made.

 

Pretty much. Some ppl will try to scare u away form publishing something like this just because they wouldnt dare themselves. Look at HR Giger, his paintings are pretty much twisted as S***, its almost porn and he's not even using humans, its more like twisted humanoid. He's rich as hell and ppl love him, including me (he designed the Xenomorph,how cant i?)

Movies does violence and includes pornographic content alot these days, i cant see why games should not be allowed to do this. I remember when gamaes started to become violent, like GTA. They were refused and the "big boys" tried to stop em, but ppl wanna play em regardless.

It's not gonna get less gory and violent in the future ladies and genltemen, its just gonna get more "normal"

If u dont like it, turn ur head, simple. Thats why i turn OFF the radio when Justin Bieber plays, it doesnt interest me, clickbutton,solved.

 

Umm... no

Those are simple facts and numbers, not opinions.

As a whole, when people try to do this "in your face" shock stuff, it fails... miserably. This goes double for video games.

 

I didn't say you said something about the terrorism.

Again you act like a kid, why don't you go there , why don't you google etc. Care to back up your words? I showed you some facts and numbers.
I can bet my house you have never ever visited the forums discussing "I spit on your Grave"
But I have, right now, just typed "I spit on your grave forum" in google and it showed first top three forums where people say that they would have rather watched "I piss on your grave" or "I spit chew on your grave". 95% you will find negative reception.

You might find some sick twisted forum where people admire extreme violence. But then again you'd probably love Serbian film. If you ever head of it. I doubt.
So instead of running your mouth better bring up some facts.

 

I certainly didnt think the movie was rubbish, at all. Its a very strong movie and handles a serious problem.

Theres nothing u can do in this world thats not gonna rub someone the wrong way,period. People seem to forget that most people, are diffrent, in everyway.

And whats at stake here? his game getting refused? well ok, props for trying something diffrent anyway, we could use alittle diffrent in the game indistry sometimes.

 

Personally... Mixing guns and children of any kind sounds like a bad idea to me. Fallout 3 had guns and children,and the children were indestructible - we've had some pretty bad shootings in schools since then. Just my 2 cents.

Edit: sorry bad timing, didn't mean to try and hijack the conversation

 

just...wow man, applause.

No i havent, but u clearly have. I enjoy "diffrent" i can tell u that much, kid.

 

How do you define a success then?
If the product doesn't sell then there is obviously a conflict between people's interest and the product.

 

That says it all about you.
I'm 49 years just to avoid any further knowledge of yours about anything.

 

That's not what's being questioned here. He was asking if these themes would be "over the line". It doesn't matter if YOU like it. No one cares what you like. What matters is "will enough people like it". The general consensus on this shock media is no, they will not. Its viewed as pointless its drivel.

The producers of "I spit on your grave" lost over $1million and ruined their reputations. When an indie makes a game, they risk everything. So how much should he risk because you might like it?

 

no it is OBVIOUSLY not! a number of things comes in to play here man! Alot of GOOD stuff comes out and no one even knows about it simply because they take a longshot and leave good PR our of the picture!

Look at the game "The Realm", they didnt get funded on kickstarter,why? they did no PR whatesover and u can clearly see this in the comment fields, no one knew it was coming, and they missed 100k on their funding.

Define success? to be successful u need to do ur job before u release something, period. IF u dont, u realse and its all up the chance how it will do, this echoes throughout alot of games these day. AWESOME games, no one saw them coming, no hype built.

As for low numbers on "alternative" products as this movie is, it has alot got to do with people's opinions beeing delivered to a public. If a popular reviewer doesnt like the movie, his watcher wont either, even tho some of them probably would.

 

?? I was agreeing with you.

Sure, success can have many definitions. But none, that I know of, include "I lost a million dollars and almost everyone hates my work".

"Good" doesn't mean anything. It has nothing to do with success. I'm a phenomenal game designer. Guess how many people care?

However, that aside, "I spit on your grave" was brought up as an example because of its related content. That movie had plenty of press and exposure. Guess what? People still hated it.

 

this depends entirely on how the game even looks man, we havetn seen any screenshots, and a friggin STORY wont be enough to wreck his whole career, there are much worse out there already and it keeps getting made.

I'd like to see some actual graphics also, if it looks too real it might be a problem for alot. It all depends on how it's layed down in the game, is it necessary or is it just braindead violence for shocking.

Just seeing us arguing over this might have caused the OP to rethink the whole thing over

 

lol and?? 49 year olds can be more kids than any 10 year old, what is ur point? ur assuming im someone u know very well.

 

Running your mouth again. You are so full of it.
They did PR , no one in a sane state of mind would do crowd funding with out PR, otherwise what would be the point.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-22605905

I find your posts lacking evidence. Only whatever what comes to your head.

 

After this brief discussion it's hard to assume what's going on in your head at all.
This is my last post in this thread since it is pointless to contiue this debate with you.

 

aslo hard to understand why such a grown mature human who clearly has all the answers even bothers arguing with us kids.

 

ok wondery why even on these forums, on steam and probably alot other places most ppl regret they didnt know sooner, including me, i would have funded immediatly.

and that video....just what? It's talking about large games and how to match larger games. Atomhawk does the art for Realm sure, but its up to the Realm team to PR the game. video seems to focus on upping graphics to match AAA unless i heard it wrong, this is not the case for most indies. U seem to rely heavily on official media man, theres alot info if u dig amongts the public aswell.


Now, for the OP, would u wanna go on with trying this at all? Dont mind the discussion between us, u should probably look at the reactions.

Some of us thinks it'll be ok, while some are saying its a bad idea to even think it.

 

It is quite clear the only interest in these type of depraved behaviors game and entertainment wise in the gaming and art community is the desire to make money via shock and violent obscenity.

And it's really, really, really boring now. Stupid new ways to shock in games just isn't effective and sales numbers reflect this.

I'm not going to follow you to you dev blog, find out who your publisher is and protest.

And buster, you're not welcome in my classroom.

That game concept is already a fail.

And that's all I have to say about that.

 

well that was...brutally honest.

 

I guess religious child rape followed by murder could cross the line.

 

Just found this thread and reading it all the way back i'm confused . . . who's buster?

 

i know its a little thing, but in super meatboy the final boss smacks bandage girl across the face at the end of every level. they got some hate for that, remember seeing a youtube video about edmund supposedly beeing a asshole for putting this in. Well, it got him a house.

Isaac is a kid about a baby and his mom is trying to kill him, and it has sold more than Meatboy now?

Just saying, weird S*** works sometimes too.

 

Obviously the OP of this thread. It's a colloquialism: a common name used in American movies, especially older ones, to describe an aggressive, overbearing, inconsiderate, and rude male. Like frenchie, and other type rude familiarities New Yorkers use (mostly only in movies).

 

OK, then I bet if you wrote a game about a colony of cats forced to scoop their own litter boxes they'd be gagging to get out the front door. At least that has an element of truth, humor, and originality.

I bet it does much better than this game the OP wants to write and even could buy you a house in Norway as expensive as it is. Land of government pottery artisan shops open every Wednesday for 1 - 2 hours.

I am not kidding.